In 2012 I had the amazing opportunity to study in Lithuania (Eastern Europe) for a four month long semester. In that time, God challenged me in my faith, molding my heart and shaping me for what He would have for my future. My life was forever changed…
I know I’m rarely on here and never post anymore. For good reason though I’m posting now and I know some good friends and family may still see this. My brother has an amazing opportunity to go abroad again and this time to do some great work! Please follow along with his page and pray for him and if you feel lead, donate to the cause.
It just happened within the last few weeks, I have been Mom and Mommy for quite sometime now. It just happened one day, he left Mama behind and moved on to Mom and Mommy.
I haven’t thought to much about Owen going to pre-school, ( or Pre-K or transitional kindergarten, whatever you want to call it) I mean I have of course. We got his backpack, new shoes, freshly sharpened pencils, some new clothes because he has outgrown and stained beyond repair almost all of his clothes this summer. I just had yet to think about the emotional part.
I know, it’s just preschool. But it’s kind of a big deal, he is my baby and he is leaving me forever!!!! Unless at some point God decided to be real funny and really do some work on my heart and I would actually home school! This is it, my baby has grown up and he’s out the door into the great big world and it’s school for the next 13-17 years.
We had a parent preschool meeting today and as i left my in-laws house after dropping him off and he said “by Mama I love you, see you soon. I told him, I love him and to be good for Grandma and Grandpa. “Ok Mama”
That was it for some reason, that just did it for me. That 4 year old boy who first called me Mama, as a chubby little baby, is going to school. To make it even harder he decided to call me Mama again. My heart just couldn’t take it and I cried on the drive home.
I think it is officially our most favorite place ever and it has become our annual trip we do. There’s just something about this place that’s just magic. I hope the boys can look back years from now and remember that wonderful time once a year when we went to Big Sur.
Owen has such a love for camping and being outdoors, it honestly brings me so much joy to see it. He’s up for adventure at all times and I hope he never losses that about him. Emery is equally in love with it, I’m sure once he start’s to talk more he will let us know just how much.
Fact, I came back on here to try and blog and I couldn’t remember how to post! Like, how to get the pictures the right size to upload and how exactly do I make changes to my page???
The spring went by, summer’s almost over, Emery just turned 2, O is starting school, we found a new church, we love it, were growing in Jesus, we have such a great community there, I’m talking to my Dad now!
So much has happened, hopefully I can take some to time to write about it….. but I’m not making any promises
I saw this post and laughed, cause it’s just the truth. We celebrate with a carnival, instead of going out with neighbors, because ” we don’t celebrate it” , but really we do!
We all have our own convictions and I’m sure I would be shunned by some people, but…. I took my kids trick or treating and it was fun.
Though we did go to a church carnival on Friday, not our church, another church that happened to have one on Friday. Ryan has school on Wednesday night, so he wasn’t going to be able to go out with us.
Then Owen did, what only Owen can do. I had no plans to dress up. Though Owen had been dead set on Darth for months, so it was between an Ewok or Yoda for Emery and he kept insisting for me to be Princess Leia.
I wasn’t going to do it! Then about an hour before he looked at me with the saddest face and said, “But Mommy, I thoughted you would be Princess Leia???
So I pulled it together the best I could and made my Son smile.
Owen turned 4 on the 21st and he’s grown taller and smarter and sweeter since then, I swear it! I like you year 4.
We asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and he said “Camping!!
So we got a spot pretty local, took off as soon as Ryan was off work on Friday and a perfect weekend with just the four of us. He woke up to a tent full of balloons and presents and spent a good part of the morning just playing in the tent.
Due to a good amount of rain coming down.
We did some exploring for the rest of the day, in and out of the rain. Then we made dinner on the fire and decided to make our two night stay into a one night stay. Didn’t want to take the chance of getting stuck in a down pour in the morning, when we were trying to pack up.
Kept it pretty simple. Sometime during the day Owen said, “What a nice birthday for me. I love my camping trip!” , so I’d say we did good.
Then the family came over for cake and ice cream on Sunday, a nice end to the weekend.
My baby that made me a Mama is 4 now, my happy heart is sad.
We’ve had Disney passes fro awhile now, it was fun, so fun! We were blessed to be able to have them and we will for sure miss it.
It’s especially great this time of year, Halloween through Christmas is fun at the park and it not as crowded and you don’t have to wait in long lines in the heat.
But lets be honest, it’s also stressful. Trying to calm a cranky baby well trying to explain to Owen that it’s almost our turn while waiting in a 45 min line, is not really fun. The crowds of people can get annoying ( personal space, people. personal space), and just because you have a pass doesn’t mean your visit is “free”. Almost every time there we spent money on food, snacks, etc..
We decided not to renew this year. It was fun, were going to miss it. But our bank account will thank us.
Do you know that Civil Wars song, Poison and Wine?
I don’t know who they wrote it about or what. A bad relationship? or maybe there’s some underlying meaning. I don’t know, but the first time I heard it, I thought of my Dad. It so much reminds me of him, of our relationship.
I don’t love you, but I always will….I love my Dad, but it’s frustrating love, it almost hurts to love him. Your hands can heal, your hands can bruise…. As much a I want him to be this great Father figure, who makes everything better, always knows what to say and do. He’s just not. He has caused the most pain and hurt, than anyone in my life.
So enough about this song already, but it’s funny sometimes the way God shows you things.
I found out about something the other day, right when I was thinking again. I need to just talk to my Dad, get it over with. Seems like every time I suddenly get the courage to do so, he does something that changes it. It hurts and I then I think, God, why were you just telling me to talk to him and then he goes and does this, I don’t want to talk to him now.
But maybe that’s exactly why God allowed it to happen and maybe I was just pretending like I didn’t hear it.
Out of all my siblings, I talk to him the least. I invite him to birthdays and I see him at family functions, but it’s minimal, its small talk, we don’t have a relationship. I said what I needed to say to him, told him how I felt, begged him to stop the life of lies, during the first year he left. So I stopped, kinda gave up, it got me no where and he never changed. It just hurt, so what was the point? This is the life he chose to live, as much as that hurts. Nothings going to change that but God and he may just continue to hurt me in the process. That shouldn’t change anything though.
Jesus died for us and loved us and forgave us. All while He knew we would continually deny Him, we would hurt him, be unfaithful, yet He forgave us anyway. He was trying to show me, that yes my Dad hurt me and yes most likely he will still hurt me. But that shouldn’t matter.
I was telling a friend that I feel like I don’t get forgiveness with my Dad, I feel like I have forgiven him and I want to move on and make things right. It’s just hard when it feels like he is constantly putting salt in my wounds. I want to heal, but he wont let me. I think it’s time to move on.
I was on my way to Disney with the boys today and that song came on. I was once again reminded of my Dad and then it just hit me. Or maybe more like God hit me over the head. He said that thing he did, the huge, hurtful, painful, awful thing. I know. I know what that feels like, I get it.
I started crying a bit, my eyes were all watery and I had to look away from the guy at the parking gate. I know I’m rambling, this post is kind of a mess. I just felt like i needed to write this and now that it’s here, I have to do something about it.
We stayed the first night in a B&B and then headed down to our camp site. This was Owens 2nd time to Big sur and his 4th long trip, the kid does great on the road. Emery did good to, he slept almost the whole way there.
It was just one wonderful week. The boys got dirty everyday, we played in the river, walked on secluded beaches, went on a few hikes, Ryan surfed, (there may have been a few shark sightings!) made s’mores’s, watched the stars, took lazy afternoon naps….
Were hoping to make this an annual trip, that place is just to amazing not to return.
This past weekend we had Emery all to ourselves. My in-laws have been wanting Owen to stay with them, so we let him stay the weekend with them.
We didn’t do much of anything, but spend lots of time with our baby boy. We missed our O of course, but it was nice to get all that one on one time with Emery, something he’s not really use to. I’m pretty sure he liked it too, no one was stealing his toys and he had all our attention. Though he sure was excited to see his brother on Monday.
Owen came home ridiculously spoiled, ( new toys and a trip to Legoland!) and with a few bad habits to break. No you can not stay up till midnight and wake up after 12 in the afternoon Owen!
Now we all get to go away together. After months of project after project and lots of overtime, Ryan has been “forced” to take vacation time. So we are off to go camping in Big sur again, longer this time so we can enjoy it more.
Owen has been asking for weeks, “are we going camping today?
We can’t wait to go and I’m even more excited for the Westfalia to be ready so we can make these camping trips a more regular thing.
I’m the worst blogger ever. I should have posted a long thoughtful post with tons of pictures last Tuesday, his birthday. I should have also taken a thousand pictures on Saturday, his party and done a big post on that.
But, I’m the worst blogger ever.
Tuesday he woke up with a fever, not cool. It only lasted a few days though, thank God. Then Friday he got heat rash and he was teething.
So he wasn’t the happiest baby at his party, but it was still a good day. It was hot and we didn’t find time to pick up the real camera once, but with good friends and family, it was a good day
Owen forgets the A in America and calls the 4th “Merica Day”, so.
Happy Merica Day!!
We stayed home again, our whole block really gets into it. Ryan helped the neighbors block off our street, there was kids riding bikes all day, playing football, running up and down, the fire department showed up. It would have been cool if the sun showed it’s face, so we could take out the pool and have water fights, but it was still lots of fun.
Our neighbors had some really legit fireworks this year, and by legit I mean illegal. No need to go find a spot at the big fireworks show at the bay. In almost every direction, we could see them going off just blocks away. We did our own fireworks too, along with our neighbors on our street.
It was a great day and Emery decided to really start walking. A good 4th of July indeed!
Ryan often has these great ideas, sometimes they really are great, sometimes they are kinda crazy. The crazy ones usually go away after he’s thought about it awhile and then sometimes he just wont let certain ones go. That’s when I know he’s really serious.
He’s been talking about get a camper for sometime now. We can take off on last minute camping trips, road trip across the country, it will be perfect for early mornings at the beach when the boys are still sleeping! He was doing his best to convince me. I was never really against it, I just didn’t know if it would actually happen.
So Father’s day weekend he told me we had to meet a guy at 8:00am, about a bus.
Owen quickly dubbed it the “Battle Tram” , have you seen The Aquabats super show? He’s obsessed.
It needs work, engine stuff, a paint job, upholstery, etc. I admit it’s quickly become an obsession of mine as well, I’m excited to get this restoration project going.
The goal is to have it ready by next summer and then the adventures begin.
He’s 10 months today. I’m dying inside, just a little.
Some stats, cause people tend to do this. I don’t really do it, but hey, why not
-He’s in mostly 12 month clothes, not 6-12, those tend to be to small. Some 12-18 and even a few 2t.
So i make big babies. I don’t really think they are big, so they have some chunk, but not allot, I don’t think. I just tend to think other babies are just small.
Last time I checked he was 21 pounds, that may not be true now.
-He’s taken a step here and there. He takes off in his walker, he runs, he doesn’t walk.
-He recently discovered a new sound he could make. It’s screeching, it’s loud! He likes to stand in the tub and do it. It’s the loudest in there.
-He says Mama and Dada, he said Dada first. He also says Bach, as in Johan Sebastian Bach. I’ll tell that story another day.
-He loves his brother. Owen can get him to laugh, when I can’t. When hes fussy and freaking out and I’m trying to get dinner done. O can usually cheer him up. When Owen gets in trouble and he’s sent to his room. Emery crawls to the door crying, it’s the cutest and saddest thing ever.
-He naps in his crib, but he’s still with us at night. This is proving to be a tough transition. I don’t mind though, I love the cuddles with my baby.
He came into my room the other morning, Ryan had already left for work and Emery was still sleeping next to me. I whispered for him to stay quite and he cuddled up next to me. After telling me good morning, asking if I had a good sleep and giving me a kiss, he said.
"Mommy there was an Octopus in the kitchen and it was scary and stinky. But Daddy’s a good doctor and he got the octopus and saved the kitty. I told the kitty, its ok cause Daddy doctor make you better! And Mommy, the octopus was yellow.
Obviously, it was a dream. He was so serious and animated when he was telling me, it was hilarious.
On another note, this is from our camping trip last year. He looks so little! We’ve all been dying to go camping again, but with Ryans work and school schedule it’s not going to happen anytime soon.
This was taken at the begginging of the month, a few days before he turned 9 months.
I may have shed a few tears today, cause my baby is growing too fast! He’ll be 10 months next week. He has two bottom teeth, he’s over baby food, he says Dada and Mama, (O is trying to get him to say his name) and he’s already tried to take a few steps!
I love me some good thrift store shopping, but digging through the racks at thrift stores, with a 3 year old and a baby, is not the easiest task.
This is just from 2 recent trips, in and out real fast. I just scanned the outside racks and didn’t even touch the clothes. Twice in one week is rare, I may be on a little thrift store high now and I NEED to go back!
I have a real weakness for books, of any kind. Really old books, children s books, cook books, old school books, I just can’t say no! I was so excited about these Disney books, they in perfect condition, like it doesn’t even look like they were ever used. Even better, they were 50 cents each!
Owen’s been asking lots of questions about his bones and certain other body parts, we’ve had some awkward and interesting conversations lately. So we spent a long time reading the Human Body book yesterday. I may now be obsessed with finding the rest of the books in this collection.
I’ ll leave you with this sweet moment.
Fresh from the bath and getting attacked with kisses from big brother. I love moments like this, the spontaneous, sweet, perfect moments. It makes up for the hard, frustrating, on the verge of crying moments that make you feel like a bad mom. This Mom thing is wonderful and good, but it’s also hard. It doesn’t help when were being judged by other people and other Mom’s, because of how we Mother, or how we don’t Mother.
We’re all just trying to do whats best for our family and our kids, so lets all just try and show each other some love. If you’re a Christian, that is after all, what we are called to do.
Happy Mothers day Mama’s! Hope your day is wonderful!
I cant imagine ever given up on this kid. Of choosing another life, with someone else, that meant he would be less important to me.
That’s what it feels like, even at 21, when your father walks out on your Mom. They walk out on you too.
I have dreams often of my father and it’s always the same, just a different setting and different scene. They start off together and then they are not.
I don’t want them back together, it’s really better that they are not. I just want this relationship, with him and me, to be normal. I don’t really talk to my Dad, every conversation seems, fake and forced. Forgiveness is one thing but then how do you have a normal, honest relationship with someone. Who cant even be honest with himself and continues to live a lie of a life that they cant even decided if they believe is right.
My weekends thoughts are heavy, i just want to make it right. Thou I really just don’t know how
I feel like I’m that Mom this week. The paranoid, over protective, over reacting Mom, but I swear I’m not.
This week has just been rough.
Owen’s face swelled up Saturday night and he could barely talk, so we ended up in the ER. We thought maybe an allergic reaction to beets, since he had them for the first time that day. Well after $260.00 in ER payments and doctor co-payments (took E to the docs too cause he was still not over that cold) later, turns out it wasn’t that serious but Emery’s cold did turn into bronchitis. We may just be keeping him away from beets though, just to be safe.
I just don’t like my children sick, like ever. Though I am very great full that they are healthy over all and that we even have health insurance.
But it would be kinda cool if we could get a little break, seeing as Ryan works at the hospital and all. Like an employee discount, hey everyone else does it.
I know, I know that would be wrong, unethical and unfair to everyone else. I was just kidding!
Owen will ask through out the week, is it time to go to the farm Mommy? How about today Mommy, are we going to the farm? He forgets that there’s no animals at the farm, just fruits and veggies and he always gets a little upset about that.
Then he gets over it, we go to the farm, he helps me get our box and then we walk around the farm for a bit.
Whats up with that face Emery is giving me and why does he look like he’s 2 year’s old??!!
Probably not but I’m going to show you anyways, well some of it at least.
We’ve been doing some spring cleaning and with that some redecorating.
More like actually decorating, cause really, we didn’t have much going on before. I don’t know why, we just didn’t. Most stuff we already had and just never put up, others were up but just in the wrong place. So there’s still work to be done, were trying to find a few more things and I have some prints coming from Etsy. My favorites though, well the piano of course!
It’s a family piano, passed down to us and we finally rented the truck to get it here. It makes me so happy that it’s finally here. Also the guitar, it was our wedding “guest book”. Coming up on five years and we finally found a place for it. I love that it’s there.
I also decided we needed some plants in here, some green going on.
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The boys are feeling much better, still sick, but much better.
We hit up the Long Beach flea market. Saw some cool stuff, weird stuff , and some creepy stuff. A lock from death row, CREEPY!
Walked away with a few good things…. Elvis, a crate, (that will be made into a shelf) old cookbooks, (I cant stop buying cookbooks, especially old ones) a Pendleton for Ryan and an old calculator, cause he’s a nerd.
Ended the night with a target trip. Ryan wanted to go to one we’ve never been too before, a ways down the freeway, just cause. We will never go to that one again!
Maybe i’m weird, but I was kinda freaking out. Well maybe not freaking out, but annoyed and completely lost in there. Most target’s are set up the exact same way and it’s good like that, you know where you need to go to find what you need. This one was set up like none I’ve ever seen! Everything was in the wrong place, squished together, in odd corners, turned around and just not right!!
Ugh, it just wasn’t good. Although Owen did find Daddy some dino socks, so it wasn’t a total fail.
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We’ve never had a tradition for Easter, on both mine and Ryan’s side of the family. The plans are always up in the air and very last minute, if we even get together. The only thing that was a constant growing up, was sunrise service every year.
Well this year we have a yard and I let everyone know last month, that Easter was at our house this year. I was so excited to do an Easter egg hunt with the kids and to cook a good meal for my whole family.
It was such a good day, hopefully we can make this a new tradition, Easter at our house every year. Unfortunately, we didn’t make it to Sunrise service. I wasn’t running on much sleep, due to a baby that was up most of the night. Teething is kicking our butts! We did go to good Friday service though, and next year we’ll make sunrise.
It’s for sure one tradition, that I want to continue with my family. Getting up while it’s still dark, going to church outside and watching the sunrise. Jesus died and rose again, and that is definitely something to celebrate
We wanted Owen to be the first one to see him, well besides my Mom, who was there for the birth. I know that’s really not the norm anymore, but I could not imagine not having my Mama there.
So about an hour after I had Emery, my Mom went to get Owen.
He was pretty freaked out to see me, I was clearly in pain and he first asked “Mommy wants wrong, you ok? . Then he started crying and I had to quickly assure him that I was ok, poor guy, but it was the sweetest thing to see him so concerned for me.
And then he saw Emery, he came up to him and the first thing he said was “Ohhh tiny tooooes. Which then, somewhere along the line changed into “Toey toes” and that is now Owen’s nick name for him. Well really, it’s just what he calls him most of the time. It’s also what we find our selves calling him to, “be nice to toey toes”, “can you get toey toes a toy”. It’s a little awkward when we forget and call him that in public. We’ve gotten a few looks, “wait, what’s his name”, Oh that’s just his nick name, his name is Emery.
Emery just started saying Dada, so what he said your name first Ryan, so what!
So now Owen has been trying to get him to say his name, I can’t wait to see if Emery will have a nick name for him.
- This boy! He can be incredibly sweet and ridiculously hilarious, but he can also be difficult and frustrating. Three year old tantrums are no joke!
Were working on that, I ask the Lord daily to give me patience with him. Also if were home, O rarely wears clothes. He tried to leave the house like this the other day
- Emery’s been waking up with some awesome nap hair these days.
It happened again, it was bound to at some point. E is now one month older, 7 months on the 7th. I told Ryan I think God made a mistake, the first year of the baby stage should actually take 2 full years, it’s just to fast!. Obviously He did’nt make a mistake but for reals, give me back my little baby!!
- We went to the school open house night at our Church. They’eve had K-12 forever now, but they just started a preschool this year. The playground was sooo adorable, even I wanted to play in it. It’s set up very Montessori like.
Lord willing Owen will be going this fall, were still praying about it and we still have one other option.
- I signed us up for a CSA box, yep were those people now. We took the short drive to our local farm to pick it up today. We already eat allot of veggies but we tend to always buy the same things. This way we get more variety, were forced to try different things and I want to be better at meal planning. So after I pick up our box for the week, I can plan the weeks meals from what we get.
- Again, with the growing up. Emery is officially on the move, he’s been rolling and pulling himself in circles for awhile now. Within the last few days though, he’s figured out how to army crawl forwards.
The weekend is not starting off to great. Ryan is still stuck at work, not sure when he’ll be home and he just called to say they want him back at 6 am.
They are switching over to a new system, that will help them save lives better. So I guess that’s pretty important, but it messes up our weekend! Oh well.
Owen’s been throwing lots of tantrums this week, i think it’s more like terrible three’s instead of terrible two’s. It’s a little frustrating, but then he also ran up to me yesterday and said, ” Mommy I love my Emery, thank you again my Emery.
I rarely post pictures of myself because the fact is, I hate taking pictures. I always feel so awkward, I never smile right in pictures, i’m self conscious, the list could go on. I just don’t like taking them.
But if I never take pictures then I’ll look back one day regretting it and my kids might think, “um, was my Mom ever even around”? Yes, I was there every day, all day I’m just usually the one taking pictures.
So I’m going to make more of an effort to be in front of the camera and to start with, we took family pictures this weekend.
These kids are ours, that still amazes me. God has entrusted these wonderful humans to us and I am so thankful for that. Almost daily either me or Ryan will say to each other, “can you believe these kids are ours’, or something along the lines of that.
Gods faithfulness and love never ceases to amazing me and it just becomes so much more evident and real when I sit back and look at what hes done with my little family. Owen’s love of all things music and everything Yo Gabba Gabba, has us breaking out in song quite often. One of those very often being “Lovely love my Family by The roots.
"Sometimes when i am sitting by myself those quiet moments when im with no one else. I’m mesmerized by all the many good things in my life……..
* If you are in the LA or OC area and are looking for a good photographer, Please check out our friend Kenneth Pfeifer. He does awesome work and he’s really easy to work with.