Dear friends and family,
In 2012 I had the amazing opportunity to study in Lithuania (Eastern Europe) for a four month long semester. In that time, God challenged me in my faith, molding my heart and shaping me for what He would have for my future. My life was forever changed…
I know I’m rarely on here and never post anymore. For good reason though I’m posting now and I know some good friends and family may still see this. My brother has an amazing opportunity to go abroad again and this time to do some great work! Please follow along with his page and pray for him and if you feel lead, donate to the cause.
I suddenly became Mama again.
It just happened within the last few weeks, I have been Mom and Mommy for quite sometime now. It just happened one day, he left Mama behind and moved on to Mom and Mommy.
I haven’t thought to much about Owen going to pre-school, ( or Pre-K or transitional kindergarten, whatever you want to call it) I mean I have of course. We got his backpack, new shoes, freshly sharpened pencils, some new clothes because he has outgrown and stained beyond repair almost all of his clothes this summer. I just had yet to think about the emotional part.
I know, it’s just preschool. But it’s kind of a big deal, he is my baby and he is leaving me forever!!!! Unless at some point God decided to be real funny and really do some work on my heart and I would actually home school! This is it, my baby has grown up and he’s out the door into the great big world and it’s school for the next 13-17 years.
We had a parent preschool meeting today and as i left my in-laws house after dropping him off and he said “by Mama I love you, see you soon. I told him, I love him and to be good for Grandma and Grandpa. “Ok Mama”
That was it for some reason, that just did it for me. That 4 year old boy who first called me Mama, as a chubby little baby, is going to school. To make it even harder he decided to call me Mama again. My heart just couldn’t take it and I cried on the drive home.
So in two weeks, I will let him go.
My baby Owen is going to school.
We did Big Sur again in June.
I think it is officially our most favorite place ever and it has become our annual trip we do. There’s just something about this place that’s just magic. I hope the boys can look back years from now and remember that wonderful time once a year when we went to Big Sur.
Owen has such a love for camping and being outdoors, it honestly brings me so much joy to see it. He’s up for adventure at all times and I hope he never losses that about him. Emery is equally in love with it, I’m sure once he start’s to talk more he will let us know just how much.
Fact, I came back on here to try and blog and I couldn’t remember how to post! Like, how to get the pictures the right size to upload and how exactly do I make changes to my page???
The spring went by, summer’s almost over, Emery just turned 2, O is starting school, we found a new church, we love it, were growing in Jesus, we have such a great community there, I’m talking to my Dad now!
So much has happened, hopefully I can take some to time to write about it….. but I’m not making any promises
I saw this post and laughed, cause it’s just the truth. We celebrate with a carnival, instead of going out with neighbors, because ” we don’t celebrate it” , but really we do!
We all have our own convictions and I’m sure I would be shunned by some people, but…. I took my kids trick or treating and it was fun.
Though we did go to a church carnival on Friday, not our church, another church that happened to have one on Friday. Ryan has school on Wednesday night, so he wasn’t going to be able to go out with us.
Then Owen did, what only Owen can do. I had no plans to dress up. Though Owen had been dead set on Darth for months, so it was between an Ewok or Yoda for Emery and he kept insisting for me to be Princess Leia.
I wasn’t going to do it! Then about an hour before he looked at me with the saddest face and said, “But Mommy, I thoughted you would be Princess Leia???
So I pulled it together the best I could and made my Son smile.
Owen turned 4 on the 21st and he’s grown taller and smarter and sweeter since then, I swear it! I like you year 4.
We asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and he said “Camping!!
So we got a spot pretty local, took off as soon as Ryan was off work on Friday and a perfect weekend with just the four of us. He woke up to a tent full of balloons and presents and spent a good part of the morning just playing in the tent.
Due to a good amount of rain coming down.
We did some exploring for the rest of the day, in and out of the rain. Then we made dinner on the fire and decided to make our two night stay into a one night stay. Didn’t want to take the chance of getting stuck in a down pour in the morning, when we were trying to pack up.
Kept it pretty simple. Sometime during the day Owen said, “What a nice birthday for me. I love my camping trip!” , so I’d say we did good.
Then the family came over for cake and ice cream on Sunday, a nice end to the weekend.
My baby that made me a Mama is 4 now, my happy heart is sad.
We’ve had Disney passes fro awhile now, it was fun, so fun! We were blessed to be able to have them and we will for sure miss it.
It’s especially great this time of year, Halloween through Christmas is fun at the park and it not as crowded and you don’t have to wait in long lines in the heat.
But lets be honest, it’s also stressful. Trying to calm a cranky baby well trying to explain to Owen that it’s almost our turn while waiting in a 45 min line, is not really fun. The crowds of people can get annoying ( personal space, people. personal space), and just because you have a pass doesn’t mean your visit is “free”. Almost every time there we spent money on food, snacks, etc..
We decided not to renew this year. It was fun, were going to miss it. But our bank account will thank us.
Thanks Disney, it was fun.
Do you know that Civil Wars song, Poison and Wine?
I don’t know who they wrote it about or what. A bad relationship? or maybe there’s some underlying meaning. I don’t know, but the first time I heard it, I thought of my Dad. It so much reminds me of him, of our relationship.
I don’t love you, but I always will….I love my Dad, but it’s frustrating love, it almost hurts to love him. Your hands can heal, your hands can bruise…. As much a I want him to be this great Father figure, who makes everything better, always knows what to say and do. He’s just not. He has caused the most pain and hurt, than anyone in my life.
So enough about this song already, but it’s funny sometimes the way God shows you things.
I found out about something the other day, right when I was thinking again. I need to just talk to my Dad, get it over with. Seems like every time I suddenly get the courage to do so, he does something that changes it. It hurts and I then I think, God, why were you just telling me to talk to him and then he goes and does this, I don’t want to talk to him now.
But maybe that’s exactly why God allowed it to happen and maybe I was just pretending like I didn’t hear it.
Out of all my siblings, I talk to him the least. I invite him to birthdays and I see him at family functions, but it’s minimal, its small talk, we don’t have a relationship. I said what I needed to say to him, told him how I felt, begged him to stop the life of lies, during the first year he left. So I stopped, kinda gave up, it got me no where and he never changed. It just hurt, so what was the point? This is the life he chose to live, as much as that hurts. Nothings going to change that but God and he may just continue to hurt me in the process. That shouldn’t change anything though.
Jesus died for us and loved us and forgave us. All while He knew we would continually deny Him, we would hurt him, be unfaithful, yet He forgave us anyway. He was trying to show me, that yes my Dad hurt me and yes most likely he will still hurt me. But that shouldn’t matter.
I was telling a friend that I feel like I don’t get forgiveness with my Dad, I feel like I have forgiven him and I want to move on and make things right. It’s just hard when it feels like he is constantly putting salt in my wounds. I want to heal, but he wont let me. I think it’s time to move on.
I was on my way to Disney with the boys today and that song came on. I was once again reminded of my Dad and then it just hit me. Or maybe more like God hit me over the head. He said that thing he did, the huge, hurtful, painful, awful thing. I know. I know what that feels like, I get it.
I started crying a bit, my eyes were all watery and I had to look away from the guy at the parking gate. I know I’m rambling, this post is kind of a mess. I just felt like i needed to write this and now that it’s here, I have to do something about it.